resolved

self-confidence

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I was relieved by this morning’s daily post prompt. Because I have NOT resolved the conflicts swirling in my body around continuing this blog.

It started as a meditative place of beauty and contemplation arising from the now-famous April 2012 Platform Challenge of Robert Lee Brewer. It resolved the question of how to represent myself as an author. Into the bargain, it provided a space to share, to muse, to challenge, to respond – in a word, to put me ‘out there.’

But this year something has happened. Too many things. As a result, I have been suffering that all-too-familiar writer’s self-doubt. In a world that has gone so terribly awry, I feel called to DO something.  Anything. EVERYthing. As if each utterance, each action, each moment must be devoted to fixing, resolving, unknotting the terrible twists and turns of humanity run amok.

Tall order, that! After months of nearly-posting then retracting the impulse, I remember that this blog exists to provide a space for meditative reflection, and possibly poignant moments; to question, perhaps, but not to fix bigger issues. This space is what it is. I feel gratefully resolved that it is OK to continue on my small path.

Oh, and to answer the question posed in today’s challenge: YES I HAVE kept a new year’s resolution!!  My 2015 intention was to learn what it feels like to live in a strong body. On January 5, 2015 I started my ‘on-ramp’ initiation at CrossFitTT and now go regularly 3 or 4 times a week. Just yesterday I passed my one-year anniversary date and am firmly on the ‘function’ track to using my body smartly in service to my life. Resolutely!

21 thoughts on “resolved

  1. Hi Sarah, I too have been struggling. I even started a new blog because whimsical just wasn’t where I was anymore. Also, time has been very limited, it’s all devoted to our aging parents, we have since lost two of them (my husband’s mother and my father). It seems too intimate to be spilling the sorrow on a regular basis, as well as not that much fun to read…(ha)
    I am so happy that you are going forward to be meditative and share with us. Peace is my mantra this year. Congratulations on your commitment to fitness as well. It is critical for our physical, mental, and spiritual health (IMHO). You have probably already been very involved with yoga, if not, I suggest that as a balance to the Crossfit. Peace ~ Sara v

    • So good to hear from you, Sara. Sorry to hear you are in the club of the struggling; and yet, without detours and challenges, what would our writing be?? Just as you don’t want to be whimsical all the time, or writing about death and dying all the time . . . And yet, as you surely know, it is the mix of all the experiences and attendant feelings that makes for depth writing and living. So carry on! Just write – it will sort itself out. If you have a months-long streak of down, you will likely also find lighter moments creeping in. Pay attention to the moments. All of them. And yes, yoga (as well as PD dance, which I do on my day off from CrossFit with my husband) are wonderful balances to the workouts. And yes, I feel energized; something only writing used to do. Now I get it in multiple doses per day! Peace be with you, my friend.

      • Sarah, thank you so much for your empathy and support. Your words made me smile. Dance is wonderful! I’m so happy that you are feeing energized. I have been writing just not sharing. However,I hope to, in a month or so. Keep dancing and delighting/inspiring others with your words. Love to you, and peace as well. ❤

  2. I’m going to tell you some truth about how I feel about your blog-

    It is the only one today, I have actually stopped to read.
    It only takes a few of your words to instantly draw me in.
    I love your style of writing-your honesty and willingness to expose your vulnerability, is what makes you so appealing.
    I have followed you with enthusiasm, and will continue to gladly read your articles.
    You are a talented writer-Truth
    It’s just so difficult to secure a regular readership as a result of the fickleness of the Internet.

    -Although that comment is probably more pertinent to me as I am sure you have an enormous readership.
    I have spent many, many hours on my writing and my blog over the past 6 months, and I have barely received a singly comment.
    -but writing is therapy to me-a chance to reflect in private, a chance to heal and slow down thought, so I guess, my aspiration, is to remember that.

    Warmly,

    Nicole

    • Nicole, thank you for your in-depth reply. As a writing facilitator for many years, I early learned the importance of modeling/sharing myself transparently and honestly. This is especially critical to the work I do with marginalized populations, which currently is all of my ‘outside’ work. As for your readership point: there are as many reasons to blog as there are blogs, no doubt. In my personal case, readership has never been a concern or a goal. I started blogging as a challenge; met a supportive and interactive community as a result; and have kept it up as it morphed into my ‘author site.’ From time to time I, too, wonder if anyone wants to read my personal sagas from day to day. And then one single post – like ‘resolved’ – suddenly calls out all kinds of resonance with others. THAT is a gift, but never anticipated or sought. In addition to the ‘platform challenge’ of Robert Lee Brewer’s that started me on this path, I have been extremely influenced by one of my early students. You might want to check out her blog: http://www.networkedblogs.com/blog/bullseye_baby Talk about transparent – and her readership is HUGE. So carry on, Nicole. Be who you are, in your blog and elsewhere. It’s all good.

      • Thank you Sarah for your professional advice, it’s valued. I am always seeking to learn from others in order to enrich both myself and my writing. I’m glad I found your blog. I will definitely be reading regularly and learning attentively, Nicole

  3. Pingback: where did i go? | sarahscapes

      • Indeed, not only horrid, but self-perpetuating! Right now I am not a writer any more, and it’s like losing my identity! Where did I go, and was it all illusory, all along? It destroys the past just as much as the future! But I remain very grateful for good friends.

      • Oh, Philippa. I hear you!!! And perhaps you will understand my surprise in reading this last comment in the midst of composing today’s response to the Daily Prompt. I hope it is OK with you that I quote and refer to you, with attribution of course; and referral to your own site. Let’s see where it takes you, me, our readers – perhaps we will have started in international conversation about illusion and disappearance 🙂

      • Sarah, there is no privacy on the internet, one’s despair, confusion is all very public, so quote away! I have a ‘new(ish) website you may not have visited. I was persuaded to stop hiding behind books ( just in time… they are looking scant cover) and ‘come out’. So I sort of did here https://philipparees.wordpress.com/ where I stand with feet crossed and knees a-shaking. What am I if I am not writing? Strangely today I did…a bit.

      • Thanks, Philippa. That’s a choice we make, isn’t it? And perhaps as writers, a good one – at least in this instance, being able to be completely transparent about the high’s and low’s of creativity. Take care.

    • Thanks, Bonnie – I’ll take that on all counts 🙂 Hoping you are well AND looking forward to seeing you in connection with at least one upcoming WWfaC celebration. Happy New Year to you.

  4. I too, have struggled with the blogging issue, and I’m not yet resolved. So at this point, I’m trying to write with joy, and not worry about who is reading. Self-centered? Perhaps, but being a “writer” is beginning to interfere with writing. Does that make any sense?

    • Thanks for that, Jeannine! My true north on this issue is Jena Schwartz. She started blogging in 2004 when she took my first Women Writing for (a) Change – Vermont class. And has remained true ever since. It has become a testament to her life in a beautifully written and illustrated (she takes stellar pix too!), focused way. It might be self-centered; but it is so full of wisdom and universality and humor and love and strength. Plus, she’s now leading groups and turning the whole thing into her work as well as her life. So I say it’s OK to do what we as writers need to do. Not being well-known has its perks – let’s take advantage and release the self-imposed pressure!!! Thanks, my friend. Already feel lighter and ready to roll again.

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